


Hairy Plunger

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-21
Updated: 2010-11-23
Packaged: 2019-01-19 21:17:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12418329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: This is a parody. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.





	1. Hairy Plunger and the Magician's Rock

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

There was a plunger named Hairy who lived with his Aunt and Uncle Vermin and their son Dud. Hairy's parents were dead. Hairy was always being picked on by the Vermins, mostly because it was easy to do. Also, the Vermins loved Dud, and did special favors for Dud.  
Hairy himself knew he was special because one time he went to the zoo. At the zoo he talked to a snake. The snake never replied, but that was okay. The Vermins still thought Hairy was crazy.   
Hairy's birthday was coming up and he would either be eleven (11) or twelve (12). It doesn't matter (in the next book it will). Anyways, Hairy has been receiving letters to go to Warthogs while Uncle Vermin has been busy burning them. Finally, on Hairy's birthday, he got a sock.  
Because the sock didn't fit, Hairy was disappointed. Luckily Hairy had cake as well, but that didn't fit either. Later in the night, a knock was on the door. Hairy elected to get it, so everyone else voted yes. Standing there was a big dude with a motorcycle.  
"'Appy Birfday 'Airy!" Belched the man.  
"Do I know you?" Asked Hairy.  
"'Y 'Ame is Haggard!"  
"Never head of it".  
"Yer a lizard, Hairy!"  
"I'ma what?!"  
"A lizard. Yer know, one dem scaley things".  
"I KNOW WHAT A LIZARD IS!!!?roared Hairy.  
"Oh, also yer 'can do 'agic".  
"So I'm a lizard..."  
"And yer Ant 'm Uncl' 'r' Muggers!" Exclaimed Haggard.  
Hearing this, Uncle Vermin went up to the door.  
"Whatever you're sellin', we don't want it!" Bellowed Uncle.  
"I 'ant 'Hairy ter go ter Warthog's school fer Lizards."  
"No".  
"Yer dun 'after see Hairy for a hole ye'ar".  
"Okay, deal".  
"Hop on muh mot'rcycl' 'Hairy".  
"Um..."  
So Hairy did. And with that, they were off to Warthogs, but first they had to get school supplements. After that, they needed to get on platform Nintendo 64.  
At the used wand shop (after opening a savings account and pet owl), Hairy talked to an old man.  
"How big might your wand be?" Asked the old man.  
"Does size matter? It's just a wand", replied Hairy.  
"Boy, size is everything when it comes to performing Lizard magic".  
"Oh, I see".  
"Lemme measure you".  
It turns out Hairy's was 9 3/4" inches long. The old man was pleased.  
"That's the same size as your mother's", exclaimed the old man.  
"You knew my mother?" Hairy wondered.  
"No, I just like 'yo mama' jokes".  
With that said, Hairy and Haggard (that's the motorcycle man's name) left the shop. Then they went into a small cafe and bookstore, mainly to buy Harry Potter books.  
"Not all Lizards 'R' good, Hairy", whispered Haggard.  
"I figured that."  
"There's one especially called 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Talked-About".  
"Why not?"  
"'Couse 'e's evil".  
"Oh".  
"'Is 'ame is Murdermart 'nd 'e likes snakes".  
"I see".  
"'Ont worry 'hough, 'e's ded now".  
"Okay".  
"'Ell, 'e's not rlly ded, 'e's jus' 'oo 'weak to der anyting".  
"That's good".  
"But 'e's still evil 'n' I don' ever talk 'bout 'im".  
After having that conversation, Hairy eavesdropped in on another conversation because had. Apparently one of the people saw Hairy listening in and went over to talk to Hairy.  
"O-O-O-O-O-Oh H-H-H-H-Hi T-T-T-There H-H-Hairy!" Stuttered the man.  
"How do you know my name?"  
"E-E-E-E-Every L-L-Lizard K-knows Y-Y-Y-You, you're A-A-A-A celebrity.  
"Weird".  
"You H-H-H-Have a star because you S-Sur-S-Surv-Sur-Survived".  
"You mean how I survived that fateful day many years ago in which there was a great battle against an evil overlord while my parents died and all I got was this itchy star?"  
"M-M-M-M-My N-N-Name I-Is P-P-Professor S-S-S-S-Squirrel".  
"You stutter".  
"T-T-T-T-They C-C-Call M-M-Me Stutt-St-Stuttering S-S-S-S-Squirrel".  
"Oh".  
"I-I-I'm G-Gonna TEACH AT W-W-WARTHOGS!"  
"Good luck".  
Finally, in order to avoid more conversation, Hairy met some nice kid named Dragon who liked slip-n-slides. Hairy thought he was neat. Afterwards, it was time to go on the Nintendo 64. Haggard said bye and Hairy noted that Haggard lives near Warthogs.  
Since he had no idea where the Nintendo 64 was, he asked a crazy lady with four kids how to get on.  
"You run through a wall!" Said the crazy lady.  
"Sounds painful".  
"The orange haired boy's name is Run, he's just as old as you!"  
"Cool. Nice to meet you Run".  
"My last name is Weasel!!" Screamed Run.  
Hairy noted that one of the four siblings was a little girl. She looked cute.  
Hairy and Run ran through the wall and got on the train. As soon as they did, the train left. The crazy lady waved bye.  
While on the train, Hairy noticed another girl, this time she was blonde and wore glasses. Hairy also noticed that she was smart.  
"My name is Her everybody and I know how to do chemistry with wand. I can make things with chemistry and wands. Also the fraction for of pi is..." and before she could finish, Run shouted:  
"I LIKE EATING FROGS", shouted Run.  
'What flavor?" Asked Hairy.  
"Chocolate, of course. What other kind is there?"  
"Good point".  
Hairy bought a frog and ate it, then he counted his money. While he was doing so, he was interrupted by Her.  
"You have 620 coins Mister", said Her.  
"You made me lose count, Her", replied Hairy.  
"It's fun to do that with money".  
Run bought another frog. So did Hairy. Her made soup out of chemistry. After they were all done eating, they were all lead into the path to Warthogs. It wasn't very far, and they got there quickly.  
There was an old woman inside standing next to the door. She addressed herself as Professor McDonalds and told the kids what to do.  
"You will all place the sorting cat on your head in order to find out what house you'll be staying in. These are all co-ed houses, so treat everybody with respect", announced Professor McDonalds.  
Run and Her both got Grip a Door. Even though Dragon got Slip 'n Slide, Hairy wanted grip a door. Soon it was Hairy's time, and the cat beckoned Hairy. The sorting cat started talking to Hairy.  
"You'd do fine on a Slip 's Slide", purred the cat.  
"I like Grip a Door".  
"Are you sure? I hear Slip 'n Slides are fun. All Grip a Door has are doors".  
"That's fine, I'll take Grip a Door".  
"Okay, Grip a Door it is then".  
"GRIP A DOOR!!!!!" Growled the cat.  
Hairy was in.

Hairy liked Grip a Door. There were a lot of doors. Also, there was a ghost named St. Nick. He scared people on Christmas. Hairy heard what the other houses were like. Heffalump had purple elephants and Crowbar liked beating people up with Crowbars. Slip 'n Slide was by far the evilest because it was fun.  
The next day, Warthogs was a school, so Hairy had classes. Hairy had necromancy with Squirrel, Dark arts with McDonalds, and Potions class (which Her noted was really chemistry) with the greasy haired Professor Rape.  
Squirrel was nice, so Hairy got good grades. McDonalds was fair, so Hairy got fair grades. Rape hated kids, so Hairy got detention.  
Classes were either easy or hard, but Hairy liked the school. Run liked frogs. And also spinach, which Run told Hairy was a sport. Like soccer except you ride on ropes. Hairy was now interested.  
Haggard one day wanted to show Hairy, Run and Her a secret, because that's what Haggard does. The kids all skipped school and went to Haggard's house. It was okay, because Hairy had an invisible blanket (family Heirloom).  
Haggard had a pet dragon from the movie 'How To Train Your Dragon'. It breathed fire, but Haggard assured them it was nice. What the three didn't know is that Dragon Malford was watching , and went to expose to the headmaster Dumbelldork.  
The next day, Haggard was sad because the dragon was gone, so he went to watch a spinach game. Hairy decided to be one of the players. While the game was going on, Run and Her went snooping around with Her saying smart things like "Nitrogen!"  
All was going fine until Her noticed Rape doing something with his wand. It looked like he was sabotaging the game, so Her got Run's attention.  
"Periodic Table of the element! Rape looks like he's sabotaging the game!"  
"Let's do something", nodded Run.  
Run chanted a cancelling spell to stop Rape's magic.  
"Frogspawn!" Exclaimed Run.  
Rape looked confused and continued to watch the game. What Her and run didn't know is that Squirrel is really the bad guy. Anyways, Hairy won the spinach game and Haggard was happy.  
The next day, Hairy heard about a legend from Her. It went something like this:  
"There is a magician's rock!"  
Hairy was intrigued, so Her kept talking.  
"Somewhere deep in Warthogs is a treasure called magician's rock. It has the chemistry powers to give people a life".  
"So?"  
"So, I hear that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Talked-About wants it".  
"That would be bad if he had it".  
"Since He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Talked-About is weak, someone might try to steal it for him".  
"We can't let that happen, I guess".  
And with that, they (including Run) tried to figure out how to go to the place with the rock. But first Professor Rape gave Hairy detention. Hairy didn't like Rape much.  
Apparently Haggard had a pet named Farty who was a three headed frog. Luckily Farty sleeps, but the point is that Farty sits at the entrance to the place with the rock.  
When Hairy, Run, and Her got to entrance, Run was overjoyed, but scared.  
"YOU LOOK LIKE TASTY!" Shouted Run.  
Run was going to eat Farty, but Farty was too big, so they decided to just move him. Then they went through the entrance. Soon Run was happy again because there was a giant checkers board.  
"It's JUST LIKE SPINACH!" Shouted Run.  
Hairy nodded and let Run attack the checkers board. Run got hurt, so he didn't go through the next door, but Hairy and Her did.  
Next door had a lot of keys to the next door. Her counted all of them and then used a magic spell to figure out the real one.  
"Helium!" Screeched Her.  
Hairy got the real key and Her got hurt, so Her stayed behind. With that noted, Hairy went through the last door to get the rock.  
Hairy found the rock and then realized it wasn't a rock, so put it back. But Hairy also found a mirror. Just then, someone appeared.  
It turned out to be Professor Squirrel, dressed up as a villain.  
"I DON"T REALLY STUTTER!?announced Squirrel.  
"Glad to hear it", replied Hairy.  
"Say, Hairy, we're friends, right? Even though I don't stutter anymore, that doesn't mean my personality changed too much, right? Harry?"  
"I find it to be unprofessional to be friends with my teachers".  
"Fine, but you respect me enough to give me the rock, right?"  
"I would, but I don't have it".  
"What do you mean, Hairy? Isn't it here?"  
"Well, I thought I found the rock, but then it turned out it wasn't, so..."  
"Just give it to me, boy!" Hissed a new voice.  
"I'm sorry, I should explain. I thought I got a tattoo one day only to find out that it was Murdermart's face. We've been attached to each other ever since".  
"Why didn't you call him 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Talked-About'?" wondered Hairy.  
"Because I refer to my tattoos on a first name basis. That includes Murdermart's face".  
"So does that mean you're the bad guy?"  
"I guess, but I just want that rock, really".  
"Why?"  
"Because it has powers. Really Hairy, it's pretty simple. I like things with powers."  
"Is that why you took the powers of that Unicorn?"  
"I was never described doing that before until you mentioned it".  
"Isn't it obvious? There's a lot of things that happened prior to now that wasn't described. I bet no one realizes that there was a Satyr named Pansy who told me why a man in a robe wanted to kill that Unicorn. Or that there was a Unicorn".  
"Why would that be left out? It seems like important information!"  
"It doesn't have to be, Run and Her and I worked around going into many details so we could hurry up and stop you".  
"Well you didn't stop me! You know why?"  
"Because I don't have the rock?"  
"Actually, I was going to say because I don't really stutter, but you know what"  
"What?"  
"That works too!" Hissed the face of Murdermart. Then the face continued talking.  
"Now, you better give me that rock or I'll kill you!"  
"I don't have it though".  
"Oh, okay", replied Squirrel.  
"You idiot! Check his pocket, he has it in the mirror!" Hissed Murdermart angrily.  
Hairy found the rock in his left pocket and took it out. Professor Squirrel took it from Hairy to give to his other face, but as soon as he tried to put it in the other face's mouth, the rock exploded and made Squirrel (including the face) turn to a pile of dust. Hairy enjoyed saving the day, and picked up Run and Her and brought them to the Warthog general hospital.  
A couple days later, Run and Her nearly recovered from their hurts. Dumbelldork wanted to see Hairy about something in his office. It might have been important. Hairy couldn't see why not, so he entered the headmaster's office.  
"You did a jolly good job, Hairy. Unfortunately, someone died after the magician's rock was destroyed", uttered the old headmaster.  
"Yeah, it was Squirrel".  
"No, St. Nick also died. He was the creator of the magician's rock."  
"That's fine, St. Nick is a ghost, so he was already dead".  
"Oh, I forgot about that, thank you for reminding me Hairy".  
"Not a problem".  
At the Warthog's meaningless dinner ceremony, Dumbelldork gave Grip a Door enough points to have another door installed in the house. Grip a Door cheered. They liked doors. So did Hairy.

After all was said and done though, Hairy had to return to his Aunt and Uncle Vermin for the summer. But luckily, Hairy was neutral.

 

Stay tuned for book two in the seven book series: Hairy Plunger and the Halls of Gossip!


	2. Hairy Plunger and the Halls of Gossip

Hairy has had a boring summer because his window has been barred shut. Uncle Vermin decided that Hairy was insane, so his window was barred shut. It could be worse, except there was a housemaid named Dopey who had been annoying Hairy. "I have a master, but you can be mine instead if you feed me a sock", chattered Dopey. Hairy had to think about it. "Okay, sure", replied Hairy. "Oh thank you, Hairy Plunger! You have forever made me happy. Your wish is my command!" Squealed Dopey. "You can start by keeping quiet". "Why would Dopey [*EVER. KEEP. QUIET?!*]" "Because Uncle Vermin thinks I'm insane enough already". "Oh, that does it! Let me beat up that knucklehead!" As much as Hairy would get into trouble, he laughed at the prospect. Luckily he didn't, because Run and his brothers Who-Must-Not-Be-Named bailed Hairy out with their flying monster truck. Hairy was glad not to have to deal with Dopey anymore. So Hairy and the Weasel brothers rode off and arrived at the Weasel house and Hairy was greeted by the crazy lady. "So nice of you to join us, Hairy", said the crazy lady wearing an evil smile. Hairy was okay with it because he knew she meant well. Just then, the little girl Hairy saw year one ran up to Hairy and glomped him. He noted that she was a year older than last year, but still a year younger than Hairy. "Like OMG, is that U, Hairy P.? I didn't notice you last year, but this year you're undeniably noticeable", said the little girl in a teenage girl voice. "I'm glad I'm noticed", Hairy replied. "OMG, my bad! I never said my name! It's Jenny. Jenny Weasel". Hairy nodded and noticed that Run and Her had pets. Oh, and Her was also at the Weasel's house. "This is my cat, Chemistry! Say 'hi', Chemistry!" said Her, introducing her cat. Her's cat said nothing. "I've got a mouse named Rabies! It likes to bite things!" Shouted Run, although slightly quieter than normal. Run and Her obviously knew of Hairy's pet owl, so Hairy didn't bother explaining. Hairy's owl's name was Earwig, but that's not important. So the next day, everyone separated to get school supplements. Hairy went to buy the second Harry Potter book when suddenly he saw an overly handsome man who went by the name Squall Lockheart. The only problem was that he was clearly bald and just wearing a wig. Even so, he had fans. "[/Ooooh, look what we have here, ladies!/] It's [/Hairy Plunger, here to marvel at my glory!/]" Exclaimed Squall proudly. "Actually, just here to buy some books", was Hairy's reply. "[/My/] books, by any chance?" "No, textbooks". "You'll regret those words, Hairy [/Plunger/]!" He bellowed. "Okay". Hairy also saw Dragon's dad, Lustful Malford, but he didn't talk to him. Because of that conversation with Squall Lockheart, he missed the train that everyone else (except Run) boarded. Run and Hairy banded together to run into the wall and reach the train on time, but to no avail. The wall was actually a wall this time around. So kids these days will try anything. Hairy and Run stole Run's Brothers-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's monster truck and flew off. Everything was fine until they got close to Warthogs. Then they suddenly crashed into the Wispy Woods tree. They lived, but the monster truck didn't. Run sang "We are the Champions" (by Queen) in remembrance of the truck. Hairy and Run ran and settled in Grip a Door. Also, the sorting cat said that Jenny is in Crowbar. Next day, Warthogs was a school. This year, Professor McDonalds teaches Necromancy and Squall Lockheart teaches Dark Arts. Also, Haggard now teaches a nature class. Professor Rape still does Potions (Chemistry). Squall Lockheart cannot teach, and even Run knew that. But what Run didn't know was that there was a crying ghost called Aroused April in the bathrooms. Also, there was blood writing on the walls. It read:

"[*[/I'M ALL OUT OF STRAWBERRY JELLY!/]*]

Everyone panicked. Except Dragon. He sneered. "You Mug-bloods ought to stop half mugging people if you knew stuff", spoke Dragon. Hairy punched Dragon because he thought that sounded like an insult. Her was not offended. Professor Rape caught Hairy and Dragon fighting and gave them both detention. Haggard gave it to them as well. For Haggard's detention, Hairy and Dragon had to walk a dog while being chased by giant spiders. That was rather easy and Dragon had a renewed friendship with Hairy. The next day, a fat kid got paralyzed, so Her deduced that it had to do with the monster from the Halls of Gossip. "If we want to learn stuff about the Hallways of Gossip, we should look like Dragon's two friends", suggested Her. "How do we do that?" Asked Hairy. "Silly, I've got chemistry with wand powers, I can make a chemistry soup that makes you and Run look like people". "[* INGREDIENTS MAY INCLUDE FROG!*] Shouted Run. With that said, frogs were dumped and Her became a furry for a month. While Her recovered, Hairy played Spinach only to get hurt by an illegal ball. Hairy had stringy arms due to hurt. Dopey then appeared. It was now obvious-- The ball was Dopey's doing. "I'm sorry you're in the hospital, Master, but I didn't want you to get hurt", whimpered Dopey. "It's okay, Dopey", said Hairy. "But hey, I've got news! You're in grave danger!" "Hairy made a note of that. "I order you not to hurt me anymore", announced Hairy. "But if I don't hurt you, you'll get hurt. I don't want you to get hurt". And with that said, Dopey disappeared. luckily Her ran in with a great discovery. "The thing that's been paralyzing things or killing them is called a Basil Lips!" Announced Her. At that moment, a scream was uttered. It turns out the Basil Lips killed St. Nick, but St. Nick was alright because he was already dead. Hairy desperately chased down the Basil Lips right after he no longer had stringy arms. Going down a toilet seat, Run and Hairy found the Halls of Gossip, but before they could go in, Squall intercepted them. "[*LOOK AT MY BEAUTY, HAIRY!*]" Roared the gorgeous Squall. Run held up a mirror and Squall lost his memory. Then Hairy and Run jumped down to catch the Basil Lips and find out who has been writing in blood. Everything was going fine until Run saw a shiny object, so Hairy went off on his own. Finally, he saw a big place. As it turns out, The Riddler was there. Well, the kid version of The Riddler, because there was a copy of him. The Riddler is the true identity of Murdermart, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Talked-About. Oh, also Jenny was there. She looked lifeless. "Hello, Plunger boy! Jenny has been reading my diary, therefore her soul is mine", said The Riddler. "You're the Riddler!", argued Hairy. "No, I'm Murdermart in the future!" "You already are!" "Fine! I didn't want to be him anyways. Now you will die!" "That sounds painful". "Now prepare yourself, Hairy! Not even Dumbelldork can save you now!" Just then the sorting cat fell down from out of nowhere and landed on its feet. Hairy pulled the sword of Grip a Door out of the sorting cat and slayed the Basil Lips. He then used the Basil Lips's tooth to attack The Riddler's diary. "No! You have no idea how much time I put into my diary! I'm melting!" Cried The Riddler. "Good", replied Hairy. "You still love me, right Jenny?" Asked The Riddler before he disappeared. Jenny had her soul now, so she replied. "Ew, you're a creep!" Remarked Jenny. With that, Hairy, Jenny, and Run (with a new found shiny object) escaped the Halls of Gossip.

The next day, Dumbelldork gave Grip a Door a new door for their bravery. Before Hairy left, he had something important to say to Dopey. Conveniently, Dopey appeared. "Listen Dopey, I have something I need to tell you", began Hairy. "What is it Master?" Asked Dopey. "You're fired. I don't want you as a servant anymore. You're a terrible servant and I'd rather not get killed. Thus, you are free". "Can we still be friends?" "Okay". And with that said, Hairy returned to his Aunt and Uncle. 


End file.
